PMS I Love You

PMS Alert System

PMS or ‘Pre-Menstrual Syndrome’ (bet some of you got that wrong) is probably one of the worst times to be around a woman, any woman. And for guys, it is a time where every step you take with her is likely a land-mine, waiting to explode. So here is some essential information and guidelines for you to survive the next round of PMS!

DANGEROUS: What’s for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: What did I do wrong?
SAFEST: Here’s fifty dollars.
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn’t overdo it today.
SAFEST: I’ve always loved you in that robe!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some more chocolate.

thanks to http://www.funtasticus.com for the inspiration

Back away slowly, I have PMS

Have you ever come home and the first thing your girlfriend or spouse says with teeth clenched is “…. and another thing, you…..”

You don’t even know what the first thing is, so you’re screwed any way you answer. I have been there many times, so here are some tips from a dude who has been in your shoes.

1. Don’t say anything. Nothing is better than opening your stupid gob right now. She does not care what you have to say because she is in no condition to take anything from you, especially conversation. You could tell talk about the periodic table at this point and all she will hear is that you are insulting her in some way. So my friend, stay very quiet.
2. Don’t make eye contact. You would never you look at a hungry pit bull in eyes before she bites you would you? There is no difference here. She is crazy from the hormones, like a teenager that just sniffed glue, like two cats with their tales tied together. Take a step back and look down.
3. Move slowly. If you have to put your coat away or take off your shoes, do it slowly. She could strike at any provocation, like a rattlesnake staring at your exposed thigh. What ever you do, don’t set her off.
4. Nod. Nodding as you move your way into the house is one of the safest ways I have found to keep yourself alive long enough to get to a safer part of the house. You do not want to linger in the front entrance, as there is always risk that you will be thrown out. And whatever you do avoid the kitchen, that is like invading her den, bad things happen in the kitchen during PMS.
5. No facial expression of any kind. Smiling will get you killed mate. Frowning can be even worse, because it has so many meanings in her rabid state. No my friend, the safest expression is none at all. Freeze your face in place and continue to practice step 1 and 2

One final hint, which works well if timed just right. You can avoid the whole episode by calling before you come home. If she sounds like someone who pulled duck tape off the most sensitive part of her under arm. Maybe it is a good time to say things like:

• try “Want me to bring home dinner”
• or  “Want me to rent Mamma Mia for the 12th time”
• or  “I found a target gift card in my wallet, want to go out and spend it… Alone without me and the kids.”

PMS, Menopause, the change or what ever it is called does not matter. Just treat it like you are backed up to the edge of a cliff after tripping over a badgers baby. Got it. Good…

Now be carefull out there.